


I Would Teach My Feet to Fly

by dearzoemurphy



Series: 100 Ways to Say "I Love You" [7]
Category: The Politician (TV 2019)
Genre: Ambiguous Relationship, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Divergent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mid-Canon, episode rewrite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-06 06:34:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21222152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearzoemurphy/pseuds/dearzoemurphy
Summary: ways to say 'I love you' #39: don't cryRiver hasn't been around in a while. Payton doesn't want to admit that it bothers him. But if there's one thing that River knew how to do, it was making Payton crack.Re-write of the scene in episode 8 where Payton and River talk in the car.





	I Would Teach My Feet to Fly

**Author's Note:**

> hello hello hello I'm back and in Politician hell so I hope you all enjoy

“Haven't seen you around in a while,” Payton said coldly, staring straight ahead and keeping his eyes on the road.

River gave a small smile, glancing sideways towards the blonde. “You're going to fight for her?” he asked.

“Yes. I need purpose and direction in life. She gives me purpose,” Payton said methodically.

“I'm proud of you, Payt,” River said with a smirk.

The blonde looked over to see his friend for the first time and felt a twinge in his chest. The sunlight caught on his hair just so that it highlighted the edges of his soft curls. His cheekbones were perfectly pronounced, barely noticeable stubble grazing his jawline. He looked over to Payton and smiled warmly, bright eyes sparkling.

“Something's on your mind. What are you feeling?” the brunette asked, leaning idly out the window.

Payton’s lip trembled before the dam broke. “It's just that…I miss you! I miss you. Like, a lot. And I've been lying to myself for years about what I'm missing and what I'm chasing, because it's you. It's always you,” he burst out, tears beginning to pool out of his eyes as his body was suddenly wracked with sobs.

“Oh no, Payt…don't cry, don't cry. Please don't cry,” the other boy responded, reaching over to wipe away his friend’s tears. Payton shivered as he felt a phantom thumb brush against his cheek.

“I thought you wanted me to feel things! This is what you wanted, isn't it?!” he screamed, swerving to pull the car over onto the side of the road.

River bit his lip. “I do want you to feel things. But seeing you cry…it makes me feel guilty.”

“You should! You should feel guilty! You left me all alone with your psycho girlfriend that you didn't leave despite how much you said you loved me. How could you do any of that to me?” Payton cried desperately. He slumped onto the wheel of his car, feeling utterly broken.

“I loved both of you. Very much. But you know everything else I was going through.”

“What else were you going through?! You had everything you could have ever wanted! You had money and a big house and popularity and good looks and a hot girlfriend and me! I…I don't understand.”

“You had all of those things and were miserable,” River said quietly.

“But I didn't kill myself for no goddamn reason, River! I kept going and fighting and trying because deep down inside, I knew there was something left to live for! You couldn't soldier through for me and Astrid? You didn't think that maybe you were one of the few things keeping us tethered to our mortal shells?” Payton barked, seething with unfathomable anger.

“Payton…”

“You're not even real, why am I still talking to you?!” the blonde groaned loudly.

“I'm more real than you think, Payt,” River said ominously.

“Shut up…” Payton rested his head on the wheel again and waved his hand blindly towards the passenger’s seat. After a few moments, he looked back up to see that River was gone. He kept staring in the same direction, taking deep and desperate breaths.

“Wait, come back…please…come back…” he mumbled, sobs becoming stronger as he reached desperately for the seat beside him. He unbuckled his seatbelt and slid onto it, lying across the center console.

“Please…let me see you again…”

After uttering those words, everything went black.

And then everything was white.

Payton looked around to assess his surroundings. He was standing upright. He looked down to see familiar white clothing and dreamlike clouds.

_“River,” _he thought simply, heart beginning to pound.

“River! River, where are you? River!” he called desperately, choosing one direction to run in. He’d run for barely a 10 seconds before he barreled headfirst into the boy.

“Hi, Payton. I-”

Before he could finish, the blonde grabbed him by the hair and mashed their lips together. Everything he was feeling was conveyed in the desperation of the kiss. Anger. Contempt. Grief. Desperation. Euphoria. Love.

River brought his arms up to loop around Payton’s waist before pulling his head back. The other boy whimpered and tugged on his hair in an attempt to get him to continue the kiss.

“Shhh. Let me talk first,” he said, gently holding a finger to the blonde’s lips. Payton whimpered again.

“Please. I need you. I want all of you. It's been so long, please,” he whined, practically begging.

“Payt. I know what I did was selfish. I know I could have kept trying to fill the emptiness. But sometimes, there are people whom the universe has no plans for,” River began to explain.

“It did have plans for you! It gave you me, okay? And I know I'm not a lot, I know I'm an awful, terrible, broken person, but you could have stayed to help me,” Payton interjected, feeling weak in the knees.

“Don't say those things about yourself,” the brunette said softly, unlooping one arm so that he could hold Payton’s free hand.

The blonde’s grip on River’s hair tightened. “Don’t lie to me. It's fine because you're broken, but you're perfect. I needed you. I needed you to keep on living, whether I loved you or I hated you, because you gave me a purpose either way. I only made Alice my new purpose because I have nothing else, no one else. There's just you. There's always been you,” he rambled.

River smiled. “Oh, Payton. I'm so glad that you're still you,” he said, thumb running gently over the hand he was holding before bringing it up to plant a slow kiss on it.

Tears were brimming in the corners of Payton’s eyes. “How is that the takeaway from all of that?! I couldn't feel anything before you. And then I loved you, I hated you, and now I…I miss you. I just miss you,” he said, burying his head into River’s chest.

The brunette let go of Payton’s hand so that he could embrace him. The blonde was stunned still for a moment before slowly moving his arms to hug River back more fiercely.

“Can you react with anything other than comfort?” he grumbled.

River laughed lightly. “It's the only way I can react that won't make me cry.”

Payton drew back enough to look him in the eye. “Cry. Cry for me. Prove that I meant something. Prove that you didn't want to leave me,” he practically demanded.

“Believe me. You were the one thing that kept me around for that long,” the other boy croaked. It became clear that he had already been on the brink of tears as several spilled down his cheeks.

The blonde smiled slightly sadistically before closing the gap between them again with an even tighter embrace.

“I still think I'll be mad at you for the rest of my life,” Payton mumbled into the other boy’s neck.

“That's okay. I know my actions are impossible to defend. I hope you can live knowing that I'll be waiting right here for you when your journey is done,” River replied softly, voice cracking.

Payton smiled mischievously to himself as he moved so that his lips were right next to River’s ear. “Let me kiss you again. Please,” the blonde practically panted, barely a millimeter away from him.

The hair on the back of River’s neck raised up before he drew away just enough to see the desperation in Payton’s face. He bit his lip before moving to whisper into the other boy’s ear in the same manner.

“Let me do more than that before you have to go back.”

**Author's Note:**

> this was a lot of feelings I was having all spilling out at once?? I guess these two have the same effect on me that River has on Payton lmao. let me know what you think and if you want to see any more from me of this pairing!! or any other pairings from this show. I can't be the only Astrid/McAfee fan, can I??


End file.
